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kissmeimtoxic
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Name: Kit
Birthday: 1/10/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: people who need help just as much as I do/ shiny things
Expertise: being loud and getting angry/ biting people for their insolence
Occupation: Artist/Journalist
Industry: Art
Message: message me
AIM:  thelaserkitty
Member Since:
11/27/2002
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| I haven't been on this thing for a long time.
It's changed a lot.
Anyway,
I really like a guy
and he's totally way too good for me.
There. I needed to say it. Now I have.
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| Nobody gets it
And I do mean nobody
I’m not just saying that to fucking make myself think I’m special or anything
No one wants to be special like this.
I’m not trying to isolate myself
I’m trying to force you people to quit isolating me.
So don’t give me any of that exaggeration bullshit
This isn’t exaggeration.
NOBODY gets it.
Nobody else is me, nobody sits in this shell of a body and feels what I feel and sees what I see.
I am dispensable. Disposable. Invisible.
Great to have around when it’s convenient, when it’s not, leave.
Fuck it if I stuck by you, you will leave me.
Doesn’t matter WHO THE FUCK you are.
Boyfriends. Best friends. Friends. You all leave.
Don’t believe me? Give it time.
I used to think it was me.
I used to think the only thing all of these people who left had in common was me.
I was driving them away.
So I panicked.
What the hell was I doing what was I doing wrong please no please let me fix it.
FUCK THAT.
I don’t have to fix a damn thing.
It’s not me, ironically, for once, it actually is YOU.
I’m done sniveling for forgiveness that I shouldn’t even have to ask for.
I asked my friends for back up, to make sure I wasn’t just shirking the blame.
Nope, it’s true. And they’re not lying to make me feel better they’re not trying to cover it up. They are honest. And the honest truth is YOU SUCK.
You don’t know how to treat a person like a person.
You know how to humiliate, manipulate, aggravate
You know how to be fake, to lie
OH HELL DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LIE
You know how to make a person cry until it feels like their soul is being torn from their body
Until they puke everywhere and lose the ability to breathe
Because once again another person they loved has left.
FUCK YOU
I’m invisible. Ok. I can deal with it so long as I don’t have to deal with assholes like you anymore. I will be invisible. I will be invincible. I will spend my days ensuring that I will NEVER EVER treat someone the way you treated me.
You all leave.
Fine.
I don’t need that.
Who needs a friend who’s just going to leave them in the end?
Everything we did together, did it mean anything?
It did then, but it doesn’t now?
Well now is all we have.
Now is all I have.
So fuck THIS.
I’m done with this.
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| you ever have one of those moments in life
and it's big
a clarifying moment where you just know things are going to change
things are going to be okay
and it's unlike all those other times
because this time it's going to happen
this time you are going to choose to be happy
and actually be happy.
i choose to be happy.
and no, not without obstacles.
i choose to fuck the obstacles.
so lou may not love me
so i may have no idea where i'm going in life
so i may feel totally lost and alone
but you know what
i'm going to find a way to love me
and i don't need to know where i'm going so long as i keep moving
eventually i'll get somewhere
and i may feel lost, but sometimes it takes a little getting lost before you get found.
and it will all be okay.
and not because i have friends.
and not because i have family.
it will be okay
because i have me.
and i will take care of me.
hell, half of that is auto-biological.
the rest i can figure out.
but i can do it.
i can play in the snow alone and still love it
i can devour books and love it
i can laugh at hilarious movies on my own.
why do you need someone else to laugh?
why do you need someone else to enjoy the now?
you don't.
just enjoy it.
share the experience with yourself
by being fully aware.
be here now.
because now never lasts as long as you want it to.
i have a plan for my future
and this is it
i'm going to find something that makes me happy
and i'm going to do it for the rest of my life.
and on the way there, i'm going to be happy too.
and if worse comes to worse, i'll be okay.
if everyone leaves, i will still have me.
and i can count on that.
i can close my eyes
and stand there in the wind
listening to bittersweet symphony
totally in my moment
and just enjoying being alive.
so that's it. that's the life plan.
to enjoy it.
by any means possible.
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| you crazy ridiculous bitch so get over it.
who cares?
his form of "getting better"
is to "angry fuck" someone or just get totally smashed.
DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH A GUY LIKE THAT?
FUCK NO!
so just get over it.
you're so fucked up.
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| how many times
do you have to get dumped
before you give up completely
how many times
can you keep trying
can you be the better person
before you realize the better person
is the one who gets fucked over in the end
i always try hard
i am always 100% in it
i always care
and i can't turn it off.
and here's the thing
no one else does.
no one else cares.
no one else tries.
everybody is out to hurt one another.
try to do something nice
try to be a good girlfriend
be sweet to a person because you know they need it
and they won't even appreciate it
they won't give a damn
even though sometimes that's a really hard thing to do
especially when, quite frankly, they are being an ass.
i don't push people down.
i don't talk about people behind their backs
i always try to be considerate
i try to always be honest
i am always there when someone needs me
fuck it all
if anne needed me right now, i'd be there.
if lou needed me right now, no questions asked, i'd be there.
and if you know me, you know what those people have done to me.
it doesn't matter.
get this. for once in your life just get it.
AT THE END OF THE DAY THERE'S A BOTTOM LINE. AND THIS IS IT.
FRIENDS DON'T DO THAT TO ONE ANOTHER. FRIENDS DO NOT TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE THAT.
IF
YOUR FRIEND REALLY NEEDS YOU, IN ORDER TO TRULY CALL YOURSELF A FRIEND
YOU ARE THERE, WITHOUT QUESTION, HESITATION, OR REGRET.
sometimes i may hate myself.
and sometimes it might feel like i will never grow to be the person i want to be.
that i will be stuck in OCD depression with anxiety disorders and trust issues land.
but one thing i never want to change about myself
is how i care.
i will not conform on this one.
a change needs to be made.
BY THEM, NOT ME.
so fine. keep stepping on me.
everyone leaves, right?
in the end as soon as they get to know you well enough
you turn out not worth it.
you turn out to not matter.
fine.
make me a cynic.
pessimist.
make me hate my life and myself.
but i will never stop caring.
and i can love myself for that. | | |
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